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2. |
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There’s something wrong with me
This condition is becoming part of my routine
Oh no! This may be triggering
Cause it breaks my heart with each breaking dawn
It’s a matter of time before ya boi is gone
Oh no! This may be triggering
Oh no! This may be triggering
It’s a slippery slope on this uphill struggle
I guess it’s fair to say that I’m in trouble
Oh no! This may be triggering
If I piss into a bottle, then here’s my last request:
Throw it over my grave when they lay me down to rest
Oh no! This will be triggering
Oh no! This will be triggering
It’s not that I’m not ok
It’s that I’m never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
That I’m not ok
That I am never ok
I’m not ok
I’m not ok
This will be triggering
I’m not ok
I’m not ok
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3. |
Meet My Avatar
03:18
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I’m building myself in with a wall of white lies
Brick by brick by brick made to disguise
That I’ve got so many faces, every different situation
So many faces for different conversations
Created
Presented
Replicated for what’s expected
But I’ve got a face
I’ve got a name
An empty vessel
A vacant frame
But I think there’s a heart
In there
Somewhere
I can hear it and I don’t think I like it
Beating
Pleading
I can hear it and I’m trying hard to hide it
If they knew me
Would they abandon me?
If they knew that I’m a person made of plasticine
I’d be alone
Again
I’m just a muthafuckin’ actor
Leaving space for the sound of canned laughter
Between the lines from a badly written script
There’s a character I’m trying to depict oh
With a lifetime of improv classes
Taking cues from the audience
Shout your suggestions out loud
What do you want me to do now?
What do you want me to do now?
But there’s a heart
In there
Somewhere
I can hear it and I don’t think I like it
Beating
Bleeding
I can hear it and I’m trying hard to fight it
If they knew me
Would they abandon me?
If they knew that I’m a person made of plasticine
I’d be alone
I’ve got no identity
I’m pretending to be a human being
You’ll never know me
You’ll never know me
Just the smokescreen of a burning effigy
You see an avatar
You’ll only see the guard
You’ll never know me
You’ll never know me
And I'm sorry
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4. |
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I’ve got a clock ticking and I don’t know why
For every second wasted on catastrophising
Likely scenarios for every stupid thing I’ll ever say
I’ve got a clock ticking and I don’t know why
For every minute wasted on identifying
Analysing, scrutinising, every reason why they will hate me
And when I’m feeling vulnerable
I tell myself I’m incapable
Retreat to what I find comfortable
To spend the time with
My anxiety
Is breaking me
And I
Feel it taking me
Into the darkness, where I was always gonna go
Now I know anxiety, anxiety
You’re breaking me
I’ve got the constant feeling I’ve done something wrong
That I’ve annoyed everybody, I’ve upset someone
I find it harder and harder and harder to focus
I know I’m losing control of my spiralling neurosis
And when I’m feeling comfortable
I remember life is unsufferable
And dying is preferable
To never again feel this
Anxiety
Is breaking me
And I
Feel it taking me
Into the darkness, where I was always gonna go
This I know anxiety, anxiety
You’re breaking me
You’re breaking me
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5. |
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There’s a reflection of a man I used to be
But I hate the one I’m seeing who is standing in front of me
My limbs are slowing down
But my brain is speeding up
Pull yourself together baby, come on suck in that gut
You’re getting older, getting older
Getting older, you’re getting older
Look at my wretched face painted with lines and scars
Written by the life that I have lived and carved.
I could just scream at my distorted body
My damaged arms, my flabby tummy
Cover your eyes
Please cover your eyes
I’m disgusting like the person I am inside
You’re getting older, getting older, getting older
My mind can’t keep up
You’re getting older, getting older
My body’s getting older, but my mind can’t keep up
Now I know my debts will never be cleared
And I know I won’t get over my insecurities
I know I’ll never age with dignity
And I’m starting to think my dog will outlive me
I know
I’ll be the first to go
I know I’ll be the first to go
To go
I know I’ll be the first to go
Getting older, getting older
Getting older, you’re getting older
To go
Getting older, getting older
Getting older, you’re getting older
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6. |
Don't Tell Me
03:55
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You’re sitting on the sofa
While I’m self-harming in the bathroom
I think you need to think this over
Why waste your time with me
when you know what I will put you through
You tell me you love me and you get no response
Still holding onto me when I’ve completely withdrawn
I’m coldly detached while you try to connect
And try to understand and try hard to accept
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Don’t tell me this is what you wanted
Don’t tell me this is what you had in mind
I can tell that you are exhausted
Hoping everything will be alright
Lying next to you when you feel like a stranger
With your arms around me, waiting for my mood to change but
I can still feel your tears running slowly down my back
I’m aware, can’t understand during a panic attack
So turn off the movie cause I can’t sit still
Cancel that night out cause I’m too unstable
Stick that food in the fridge, I can’t stomach another meal
Turn off the light, I need more fucking time to heal
Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh
Don’t tell me this is what you wanted
Don’t tell me this is what you had in mind
I can tell that you are exhausted
Hoping everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
But when I’m awake all night, I’ll run my finger up your spine
I’ll still reach out for you even when my health is in decline
My arms flapping on Valium find their way round your neck
I might not be there for you, but I’ll still remember to check
Even though you tell me not to, I will still apologise
I might have a blank stare but I will still try to meet your eyes
Even if I pull away, I know that you will pull me through
The blood on the floor comes from a heart that truly loves you
Loves you
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7. |
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8. |
Hara-Kiri
16:12
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I. Speed Camera
There’s a speed camera in my head
Flashing me, telling me to slow down
But the breaks in this old shitheap
They don’t work anymore
And I’m backseat driving anyway
Just waiting on a breakdown
Or waiting on a spin out
I know I’m gonna spin out
And crash into a ditch
Let them identify my body
Notify my family
And then they’ll search through the wreckage
To find a piece of me, who I used to be
But there’s nothing left to find of me anymore
II. Something’s Wrong
I can’t sit still now
Do anything for a way out
I got this minefield mindset, exploding at the seams
It’s a lock down lock down
You’re not getting in and I’m not getting out
Stumbling down the tightrope of reality and dreams
The psychiatrist is saying that I’ve started displaying
Troubling behaviour and it’s cause for alarm
A crisis referral’s got me running round in circles
Drug me, dope me, before I do harm
Push it all away Push em all away
Push it all away Push em all away
Push it all away Push em all away
Push it all away Push em all away
Something’s wrong
Impulses firing
This impulse buying
I’ve no self-control
Something’s wrong
I’ll do anything gratifying
And it’s terrifying
I can feel myself letting go
Push it all away Push em all away
Push it all away Push em all away
Push it all away Push em all away
III. Get Back (Not The Beatles Song)
I’ve got everyone treating me like a stranger
And telling me that I need to make changes
And I know deep down that I am in danger
Of losing myself, of becoming someone who can’t get back
Get back get back
To what? I don’t know
But I’m feeling like I don’t even care
Get back get back
Gotta take your time, slow down,
Find out if there’s anything there
Cause everybody’s saying that I’m different
And telling me they’re starting to lose interest
But I’ve lost all hope of finding a reference
Of who I was now
Of who I am now
IV. Dying In The Sheets
They found me
Dying in the sheets
They found me
Dying in the sheets
They found me
Dying in the sheets
They found me
Dying
V. Shooting Star
This shooting star
Will crash down hard
And will scatter, will shatter me
Till there’s nothing left
When I’ve come to rest
And nobody to sift through the debris
I’m gonna do what I wanna do
Not gonna listen when they tell me to
Stop overthinking and drinking just to get through
Don’t wanna stop or recognise
I’m living a life I fantasise
I’m staying up, taking off, gonna split the skies
This shooting star
Will crash down hard
And will scatter, will shatter me
Till there’s nothing left
When I’ve come to rest
And nobody to sift through the debris
VI. This Is Mania
I’m too wired to be tired
I’m too bored, I want more
I’m getting haunted in the daytime now
By the things that go bump in the light
A sunrise through wild eyes
A sickline, a lifeline
I have a million things I want to do
And it feels like I’m running out of time
Fingertips reeking of cigarettes
I’m trying to make plans I’ll soon forget
Cause I’m drinking anything for days on end
To stop the never-ending feeling of discontent
It’s time for social media meltdowns
And ‘Lost In Translation’ marathons
With a broken compass stuck in my hand
To navigate a shitstorm I don’t understand.
With shaky hands
And nauseous turns
Palpitations
Carving arms
Empty bank balances
I will embrace all of
This is mania
I’ll make my own reality
I’ll be the person I don’t want to be
Mania
I’ll make my mind fully defenceless
I’ll do what I want
I don’t care about the consequences
VII. When The Smoke Clears
I’ve been playing with matches
Burning to ashes all that’s left of me
But when the smoke clears from my stinging eyes
All I can see is death in front of me
I’ve never hated myself so much
I’m finding shame but I’m losing touch
Opening my wrists while closing doors
I’ve never seen this much blood coming out of me before
Lost inside my mind
A mindset setting off a minefield
Tell myself that
It’s not real
It’s not real no
Oh god, this can’t be real
I’ve never hated myself so much
I’m finding my shame, but I’m losing touch
Opening my wrists while closing doors
I’ve never seen this much blood coming out of me before
VIII. Self-Indulgent Narcissistic Cunt
You’re fuckin sick
You’re fuckin sick
You think your friends care, you pathetic fuckin prick?
Look at those arms
Look at those scars
They’re fuckin ugly and you know that’s what you are
When you fetishise your misery
The vanity of your self-loathing
Thriving on your medical history
Just quit your fuckin moaning
You self-indulgent narcissistic cunt
You self-indulgent narcissistic cunt
Another woe is me
I know they won’t miss me
You self-indulgent narcissistic cunt
You’re fuckin sad?
You’re fuckin sad?
You entitled fuck you haven’t got it bad
You don’t know shame
You don’t know pain
You’ve only got your fuckin self to blame
IX. Speed Camera (Reprise)
There’s a speed camera in my head
Telling me to slow down
Slow down
Slow down
Slow down
Hell nah
I’ve crashed into a ditch
Let them identify my body
And notify my family
And I could crawl from the wreckage
Pull myself free, if I wanted to be
But there’s just no fight left in me anymore
X. Sanctuary
I’ve tried
I’ve tried
I’ve tried to exist
To be someone who’s not ashamed of themselves
But I’m someone who’s done trying now
All the little things I own
All the comforts of home
Can no longer console me now
Cause the life that I’ve shared
Is no longer sanctuary
And it’s time for me to bow out
So I’ll watch you walk away
An intricate ballet
I might be dragging my feet, I didn’t mean to drag you down
I might be dragging my feet, I didn’t mean to drag you down
XI. It’s Time To Die
It’s over now
I can hear the sound of my grave in the wind through the trees
And it’s screaming out my name
It’s over now
Get the knife
Get your pills
Choke em down like you said you would
You can do it
Nothing matters now
The thoughts of the people you love
They don’t matter now
They don’t matter now
You’ve never felt so much peace in your heart
You can do it
You can do it
You’ve never felt so much peace in your head
Climb into the sheets
Drift off silently
Comfortably in bed
Into the morning light
Slip away softly
The last words in your head:
“It’s time to die”
“It’s time to die”
“It’s time to die, it’s time”
“It’s time to die”
XII. Dying In The Sheets (Reprise)
It’s time to die, it’s time
It’s time to die, it’s time
It’s time to die, it’s time
It’s time to die
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
They found me dying in the sheets
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9. |
Blue Skies & Dark Spells
04:25
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There’s a chance
That there are blue skies above the cloud
And somewhere the sun is up
There’s a will
To fight and courage to lose the war
And a tear for your pathetic battle cry
I just need a little time to lick my wounds
Or to grasp at knotted binds of rope
With every closing chapter, a new book can begin
I can escape with death, can I escape with hope?
Hope
I took a knife
To myself to cut out a better man
But can one carve a way to live from a way to die?
These dark spells
haven’t consumed me yet
These wounds can heal if I just cover my scars up
Maybe I don’t have the nerve to see it through
Maybe I just don’t have the heart
I don’t know if love is enough of a reason
But it seems like a good place to start
You can’t enjoy the light if you can’t endure the weight
You can’t enjoy the light if you can’t endure the weight
I’m just a part of a system
A system I don’t understand
Just a part of a problem
A problem I can’t comprehend
Though my hands won’t stop shaking, at least I can still walk
And with every step I’m taking, I’ll just keep trudging on
But when, again, I collapse onto shuddering knees
Reach out with your fingertips, please take hold and carry me
Please take hold and carry me
And for a short while, we can ride the same trajectory
As the cycle loops its way back to restart
As the abyss begins to stare back at me
We can fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
Fall together rather than fall apart
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